Doubting Doubts

I am broken.  I seek control of the unknowns.  I strive to be perfect.  I try to wrestle the world's issues like they rest on my shoulders.  I find ways to blame myself for everything that goes even slightly wrong.  I wake up feeling unworthy.  I feel as if I won't measure up, I'm not strong enough.

As I've entered this new challenging adventure many doubts have consumed my thoughts.  All of my course work is challenging.  The longer I think about it the heavier it all rests in my mind and the faster time passes by.  My success in these classes determines my future.  I've realized something, I'm destined to fail because I will never be capable to conquer any small part of this world.

The crazy thing about fully trusting Christ is that the longer your trust Him the more you realize how incapable you are to fulfill the tasks.  You realize that your desire to be in control is painfully strong.  Then you doubt.  Thinking "God, do you really know what you're doing?"  I doubt myself because I know that I can not do this.  I've only got this because God's got me.

 Every day I doubt my ability to do what God has called me to do.  I've discovered something freeing.  No matter what God's going to love me more than I'll ever comprehend.  I am going to give Christ all that I've got every day.  Then that's when the miracle of doubting doubts takes place.  I have taken Christ hand as I push myself past physical exhaustion in workouts, as I challenge my mind to absorb knowledge, as I build community with strangers, and as I manage my time.

This week has been extremely challenging, but I've seen God use my brokenness to encourage.  I've seen Him strengthen and energize me through extremely long days with no caffeine.  I couldn't be happier with the challenges ahead of me.  I have all that I've ever needed, as I learn what it looks like to trust without seeing.  Pass or fail I am giving all that I have to Christ every day.  For my body is a temple and I walk on Holy ground making my life an alter as I sacrifice my life to Christ daily.

This is my semester to doubt my doubts.  I'm giving all that I've got and I can't control where that leads me but I trust my Lord to make the path straight.  Though every step I will praise the Lord because He has brought me this far.

This first week has been challenging but it has also been absolutely amazing to experience God working in my life.  As I go into this semester Citizens and Saint's song Doubting Doubts has become my anthem, and I actually just discovered it today.  Go through this week doubting the doubts in your life, and the amazing thing about that journey is realizing that this life you live is all because of Christ.